so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My dick has a subreddit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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