I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just want to make out with him forever
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
