Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
