I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
