I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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