even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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