im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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