if i can run in heels then i can drive
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
