can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
