theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
