I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
