do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
