5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
