the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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