I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
