I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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