its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
