i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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