he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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