My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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