My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
