I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
