The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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