please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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