guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
