i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
