A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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