Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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