i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
