He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
