Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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