My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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