Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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