I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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