we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Randomize
