can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
