I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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