I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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two words: eviction party
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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