I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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