lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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