Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
