You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i wish my penis had a tongue
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
