i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
