at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
