I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Welp...herpes.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
