I think my vagina is haunted
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
