bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
