I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
