Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
