Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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