Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
