She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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