I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
