you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
