i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
