I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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