i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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